He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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