everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
