you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
