Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
