Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
