I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
