If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
