I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
