I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
