I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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