I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
