Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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