mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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