Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Im part way to drunk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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