i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
