He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
