I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
