from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
