So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
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Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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