The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
