MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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