my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
