On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
