I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
