He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We had to coat check the pizza.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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