I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
