ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
