I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
