i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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