I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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