Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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