my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
