I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize