you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
