I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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