hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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