My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
