Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
