he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
