Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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