The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
