I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
