That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
