Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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