I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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