Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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