You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
