i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
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Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
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if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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