dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
