My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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