dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Drunk is not a location!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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