Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
