FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
