so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
