I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Randomize
