At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
