Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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