He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
