I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
