there's paper in my vomit.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
