I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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