i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she looked like the before picture.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
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we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
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Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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