You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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