I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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